never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
