We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
