I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
