You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
