I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
