rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
