I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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