I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
