Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
