mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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