I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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