I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
