Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
