You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
me + whiskey = a bad person
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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