I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
