I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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