i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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