This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
