Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
