if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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