i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I FOUND THE LEGS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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