Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
