apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
