What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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