Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
