mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
