She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
