dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
