My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
