fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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