you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
