does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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