Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
