Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's always time for handjobs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
