I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if only i could text you this smell
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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