im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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