dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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