My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
