Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
