First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
