Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i will never coherently bang her
I just gift wrapped bread.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
