i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't tell me you're on acid again
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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