Swine flu. Run for my life!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
