first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't make out with my wife yet
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
