I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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