sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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