we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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