The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
