okay pat passed out under dana's car
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
