I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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