I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
