I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
