I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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