Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
