I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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